


you were made for me (and I was made for you)

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Getting Together, I Don't Even Know, Light Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Mild Sexual Content, Not Beta Read, POV Alternating, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:02:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23897224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: He knows that yesterday wasn’t an accident, a heated moment of desire, and in one horrifying moment of clarity Yuzuru sees it all, and he wonders how it’s possible, to be blind to his own heart for so long.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 18
Kudos: 86





	you were made for me (and I was made for you)

**Author's Note:**

> I had a vague idea in my head and I ended up writing... this.

Yuzuru feels like his body is weighing a ton, but he couldn't care less at the moment. His short was good, more than good, and as he's walking towards the changing room, he feels relief seeping into his skin and letting himself forget for a moment how tired he is. But it’s been worth it, pushing through every day, and now he's here, on his way to the top again.

When he walks into the locker room he's surprised to find it empty, but he guesses everyone already left, he has spent some time with reporters and now it's pretty late. He can hear someone in the showers, singing some slow Russian song in a dramatic manner. Yuzuru smiles to himself and walks to his locker, and he's just opening it when someone walks inside and Yuzuru flinches, surprised.

"Oh, hey, you're still here." Javi smiles, coming closer and dropping on a bench nearby "Busy with press?"

"Mhh. You too?"

Javi nods, and reaches for the zipper of his jackets, taking it off before standing up.

"Congrats on today. You did great." he says, eyes glinting with sympathy and a little bit of challenge, can you repeat it tomorrow, and realizes he Yuzuru missed this. He missed bumping each other in the locker rooms and going to the ice together, and now, he misses when things used to be easier between them. And he misses Javi too, even though he's standing right in front of him, but somehow feeling so much more distant than before.

"You too." he remembers to say after a moment, and Javi nods, smile turning almost sheepish.

"After it's done, can we talk? Tomorrow?"

"Yeah." Yuzuru nods, and suddenly he feels almost uneasy looking at Javi's smiling face, so he drops his gaze lower, where Javi's Chaplin costume opens, showing just a bit of skin. It's not much, but for some reason Yuzuru can't look away, mesmerized by the contrast between white fabric and Javi's golden skin, and Yuzuru's lips suddenly go dry.

Javi clears his throat, shifting awkwardly, and Yuzuru blinks rapidly, his cheeks starting to burn.

"You have something here." he mutters, brushing off some non existing dust, and Javi watches him with puzzled expression before breaking into a smile again.

"Thanks." he says easily, grabbing his stuff and heading to the bathroom, humming quietly to the melody the mysterious Russian singer is singing now.

Yuzuru stands at his spot for a moment, unmoved, before deciding that he will shower in his room.

"You're an idiot." Yuzuru announces, his voice echoing in empty bathroom "You're an idiot, that's who you are."

He shouldn't be doing this. He should get himself cleaned quickly and go to sleep, he needs sleep and rest and razor sharp focus. But no, instead of that he stands in the shower for what feels like eternity and tries not to think about his training mate.

He would lie if he said he never thought about Javi like that. When he came to Toronto for the first time with certain mindset and expectations, Javi's touchy-feely nature caused him a lot of confusion and some shameful moments in his bedroom. But then months passed, they got to know each other better, and Javi settled in his life as the best training partner and the kindest rival.

So much happened, during those years, ups and downs and then months of distance, and now they're both here, in Korea, and Yuzuru can't stop thinking about Javi, and his heartbeat is thudding and skin crawling.

He groans, resting his forehead against the wall, willing his body to stop, but the hot swirl coiling inside him seems to intensify with every second, and Yuzuru gives in, letting his mind wander to the images he didn't know he stored.

He thinks about all the times they laughed in the locker room after training, taking their clothes off carelessly, and now those memories, so innocent back then, make his heart skip a beat. It's as if a switch has been flicked, and Yuzuru can't help it, can't stop himself from sliding his hand down his body, silencing the last ashamed voice inside his head.

A quiet moan escapes his lips as he touches himself, stroking slowly, and it feels so good already. He hasn’t done that in a while, and now he realizes how starved his body was, too occupied with pushing through the pain, and he shudders, pushing into his hand and imagining it was Javi’s hand, the one that always felt so nice on Yuzuru’s waste and nape. It doesn’t take long, and Yuzuru is gasping for air, bracing one hand on the wall while the other one is moving fast and tight, and just like that he is coming, black dots dancing in his eyes as he whines loudly, slumping against the wall, weak and boneless. He keeps on stroking himself until it becomes too much, and he inhales deeply, his body sated and relaxed, but his mind is clearing out and he can already feel cold strands of guilt creeping back to his head.

“You idiot.” Yuzuru mumbles, turning the water off. He feels both tired and angry, and ashamed for using Javi like that. He will never know that, of course, but somehow Yuzuru is sure that it wasn’t one time thing. That from now one, he will never be able to look at Javi the same way, without the nagging spark coiling inside him, small but burning.

Getting to the bed, and closing his eyes, Yuzuru lets himself to think about a bit more distant future, about the next season. During his rehab before the olympics he made a decision to try and get closer to Javi again, with the shadow of Beijing being so far away it isn’t weighing on their shoulders like Pyeongchang. But now, with all these new revelations, Yuzuru isn’t sure how it’s going to look like.

He worries that he won’t be able to sleep now, but he clearly underestimated the level of his exhaustion, because a few minutes later he was deeply asleep, and mercyful fate doesn’t burden him with any dreams.

It all happens in a heartbeat.

Yuzuru’s blood is buzzing, with happiness and adrenaline, so when Javi pulls him and Shoma into a hug, he sighs contentedly and lets himself lean on Javi’s shoulder. Everything seems simple now, because they have won, together, and Yuzuru feels like he can deal with everything, and that new puzzle inside him isn’t unsolvable.

But then Javi speaks, voice clear and fond, and Yuzuru feels like the world shifts.

“I’m retiring.”

It’s not the news about Javi’s retirement that punches all the air out of his lung. It hurts, it does, but a little part of Yuzuru’s brain has been aware that it was coming.

No, the most terrifying thing comes later, when Yuzuru utters the words the whole world is going to hear, _I can’t do it without you,_ and Javi pulls him closer, whispering _yes you can_ into his ear, and Yuzuru knows. He knows that yesterday wasn’t an accident, a heated moment of desire, and in one horrifying moment of clarity Yuzuru sees it all, and he wonders how it’s possible, to be blind to his own heart for so long.

* * *

Javi sighs heavily, putting his costumes to the suitcase and looking around the room, wondering what else he can pack now and what will go inside later. He picks clothes to the plane, adds a hoodie and nods before heading to the bathroom, where he cleans himself up quickly and changed into his pajamas, ready to hop into bed and catch some sleep before his early morning flight. At least that would be a wise thing to do, but when he sits on his bed, he doesn’t really feel like lying down.

A part of him wants to look at the medal again, but it’s already tucked safely in between clothes, and Javi tells him not to be silly. He’s feeling pretty sentimental today, though, and for more reasons than getting his dreamed-of medal.

He’s still feeling kid of guilty, for breaking the news to Yuzuru like that, but looking at it now, it was probably better than letting some reporter getting the news out of him during the press conference. He acted on an impulse, initially planning to do it somewhere more private, but his heart yearned to tell Yuzuru the truth, his heart urging him to be honest.

Javi chews on his lower lip and touches his shoulder, and he can almost feel Yuzuru’s fingers curling against his skin, desperate, and Javi’s heart aches. He feels like there are things he should examine more, like his own damn feelings, but he doesn’t have energy to fall into that now. It’s no time for wonders and regrets, not when he has an olympic medal and clear plans for the future, and his own blessing to finally rest.

He checks his alarm, sets one more just to be sure, and is just about to turn the light off when he hears someone knocking to his door. He groans quietly, expecting Felipe or someone trying to lure him in for a party that he knows for sure is being thrown somewhere, so he walks over there with a polite refusal forming on his lips, but all that ends up leaving his mouth is a quiet screech of surprise as he sees who is his guest.

“Hi.” Yuzuru says from behind his scarf “Can come in?”

Stunned, Javi steps aside to let him inside, and silently watches Yuzuru take off his hat and scarf, slow and deliberately avoiding to look Javi in the eyes.

“Uhm.” Javi starts eloquently, confused “What are you- I mean, hi Yuzu, how are y-”

“Brian says you leave.” Yuzuru says, looking at some point on the wall behind “But gala is soon.”

“I might come back for that.” Javi says, feeling uneasy “I, uhm-”

“Promise me you come back.” Yuzuru demands, finally looking Javi in the eyes “Promise me.”

“Yuzu, I-” Javi tries, but then gasps with horror when he sees Yuzuru’s eyes filling with tears and his lips quivering.

“Promise me.” he pleads and Javi’s heart breaks a little as he walks closer. 

“Oh, Yuzu, I’m-”

“You’re stupid!” Yuzuru exclaims angrily, slapping Javi’s chest and making him gasp with surprise “You’re stupid, and I am stupid, and-”

“Hey, hey, Yuzu, calm down!” Javi yells, grabbing his wrist to prevent Yuzuru from hitting him again “Look, I’m sorry, I know it was unexpected, but Yuzu, I’m not going to disappear-”

“Yes you are.” Yuzuru mumbles, suddenly deflating and leaning against Javi’s arms heavily “You are.” he repeats hollowly and Javi sighs tiredly.

“Yuzu, I’m so sorry, I didn't want to upset you."

"It's not-" Yuzuru starts, and then only shakes his head "Doesn't matter." he says, trying to get away, but Javi doesn't let him, catching one of his hands before he can leave.

"Yuzu, I never wanted to upset you. But it's the time for me, you know?"

"I know." Yuzuru says miserably, looking down "I'm sorry. You're not stupid."

"You're not stupid either." Javi says, desperately trying to make all of this a little bit better, and Yuzuru smiles sadly.

"I really am." he mutters, bringing their joined hands to his face and letting Javi's knuckles brush against his cheek. Javi gulps, his heart almost jumping out of his chest, and he wants to do something, he feels like he wants to do something, but when Yuzuru steps back and grabs his things, he's only able to watch him leave, his throat clenched and itching.

Later, he can't fall asleep, his thoughts running, and his palm is warm and tingling, as if he could still feel the touch of Yuzuru's skin against it. He whines quietly, closing his eyes, and trying not to make his life even more complicated.

"Oh brother, you look like death." Laura says, dropping on the sofa next to Javi "What are we watching?"

"I have no idea."

She rolls her eyes and steals the remote, and quickly settles on some movie before turning to look at Javi.

"I can't believe you're going back there just for the gala." she sighs "I mean, I understand, but I'm seriously considering locking you up in here for a week so you can sleep it off and eat properly."

"It's just my last time with so many of the guys." Javi says quietly and she nods, and then tilts her head a little, a playful spark dancing in her eyes.

"And with Yuzuru."

She clearly expected him to laugh it away as usual, but when the only answer was his quiet sigh, her eyes widen in alarm.

"Javi?"

"It's just- it's so dumb." Javi groans, throwing his head back and closing his eyes "I'm being weird lately, please ignore me."

"Mhh, let me guess." Laura says, her tone unamused "You started wondering about your feelings but at the same time you don't really want to do that, because you don't want stuff to get complicated."

"Uhh." Javi stammers, looking at her, and she rolls her eyes with exasperation.

"Come on, we both know you've had a really, really soft spot for the guy for years. Now, what happened that made you all angsty about it? You've been doing pretty fine."

"I just, I never even wondered." Javi scoffs, shaking his head "But it's been sitting in the back of my head, since I decided to retire."

"You mean he's been sitting in the back of your head."

"Yeah. And I think..."

"Yes?"

"I think there... might be something?" he stammers, thinking about Yuzuru’s shining eyes, and he shrugs, giving her a small, helpless smile.

"Well, well, well." Laura breathes out softly, patting Javi's knee "And what now?"

"I'm not sure. I need to think. But first, I need sleep."

"Valid, I approve." Laura smiles, leaning to rest her head on his shoulder "Good luck, little brother. I know you can figure this out.”

Javi can’t sleep, and he can’t figure it out. He lets out a frustrated groan, exhausted but unable to think clearly, but also apparently unable to put his body to rest either. There is a tension in his muscles, hot and tingling, and Javi knows what it means, and he doesn’t have energy to fight it. 

He has been avoiding that, thinking about Yuzuru that way. They were training mates and competitors, and for years Yuzuru was off limits for him. Until a few months back, when Yuzuru got injured and Javi made decision about his retirement, and suddenly, he started to wonder. There was always that string of chemistry between them, the one that made other people comment and his friends joke, and now Javi can feel it tugging at his heart and igniting hot sparks in his abdomen. 

_Why not?_ Javi thinks dizzily, sliding his hand under the waistband of his pajama pants, shuddering at the first touch of his hand. It’s surprisingly easy, to bring out pictures and memories that make his blood circle faster, and he gasps quietly as he imagines a slender silhouette moving on top of him, and he whines as the unexpected image that makes his back arch, grip tightening, and he has to bite on his hand not to wake up the entire house. 

He breathes raggedly, feeling spent and content, and if there is some little whisper of guilt lingering in his head, it quickly drowns in his deep, peaceful sleep.

* * *

Yuzuru is really proud of himself and how he’s keeping it together. 

Javi is back, and Yuzuru’s body feels like it’s on fire, but the fact that they’re constantly surrounded by other people helps him concentrate and act as if nothing has changed. Well, Javi is acting as if everything is completely fine, not mentioning the odd visit from the few days before, and Yuzuru takes it as a sign that there is nothing to talk about. 

It’s not like he has expected something more.

The gala feels great, happiness and adrenaline filling his body to the brim, but then the lights fade, and he just feel tired, so tired that when he finally reaches the locker room, he slumps on the bench without will or strength to get up. 

“Hey Yuzu, are you okay?” Misha is the first to ask, smiling at him gently, and Yuzuru smiles back, shrugging.

“A bit tired.” he says, and then has to suppress a gasp when he sees a familiar figure standing next to Misha and looking at Yuzuru with an easy, familiar smile “Hi.” Yuzuru squeaks, hating his high his voice is, and Misha blinks quickly before announcing that he’s going to try and snatch the shower now, leaving them alone. 

Yuzuru’s stomach tenses, as if with anticipation and just a hint of anxiety, and he watches how Javi’s smile dims just a little bit, his expression turning thoughtful.

“Yuzu, do you think we could, maybe, talk? If you have time, of course, I-”

“Okay.” Yuzuru agrees before he can think it through “Just, have change and all.”

“Yeah, sure, I will wait for you by the entrance.” 

Yuzuru nods and collects his stuff quickly, and when he stands under the hot stream, he tries to tell himself that it’s all going to be fine. He doesn’t want to make things awkward, but he also doesn’t want to be impolite. Javi probably wants to make sure things are okay between them, and Yuzuru will try his best to ensure that. 

He has been miserable, these past two days, as his feelings settled inside him, deep and so obvious. He tries not to think about missed chances, he tries to accept the situation and go forward, like he always does with all the difficulties in his life. 

“So.” Yuzuru mumbles, looking around Javi’s room and trying not to look like he’s about to be sick “You want talk?”

It sounded almost accusing and Yuzuru flinches, angry at himself, when he sees Javi’s puzzled expression.

“Sorry.” Yuzuru manages, bringing on a smile "Is all okay?" 

"I wanted to ask that." Javi says, sitting down on the bed and gesturing at Yuzuru to join him "You were upset, the last time, and I wanted to make sure you're okay. That we're okay."

"We are." Yuzuru says quickly, sitting down but choosing to look at the wall instead of Javi. 

"I just want you to know that I'm not disappearing from… your life." Javi says, and there is something odd in his voice, something Yuzuru can't identify "I will do some shows, and will come to Toronto from time to time."

"Okay." Yuzuru whispers, trying not to cry "I understand, I just want-" 

He stops, biting on his lip, and he hears Javi shifting closer and then, he feel warm, big hand touching his cheek gently. 

"What do you want?" Javi asks softly and Yuzuru closes his eyes, feeling utterly helpless. 

"You." 

Javi's hand drops and Yuzuru keeps his eyes shut, knowing that he will have to leave now, after a few more seconds of pathetic silence. But then the mattress cracks, and he hears Javi moving, close, so close, and suddenly there are hands on his knees, gentle and almost shy. His eyes snap open and Yuzuru gasps loudly when he sees Javi right in front of him, kneeling on the floor, eyes wide and searching Yuzuru’s.

“Why are you afraid?” he asks, voice quiet and tender, and Yuzuru doesn’t think he can answer, not with the tightness in his chest and throat. But he allows himself to reach out and touch Javi’s smooth cheek, and it almost feels like it’s their first time touching, quiet and so meaningful. 

They move slowly, never looking away as they lean closer until their lips touch, and all fears and doubts evaporate from his head. He gasps quietly, and moves his hand to tangle in Javi’s hair as the kiss deepens, and maybe the angle is a little weird, but it’s perfect, it’s new, and it’s setting his skin on fire s he craves for more, more, more. 

Javi is the one to pull back first with a breathless gasp, and his hands move up and down Yuzuru’s thighs, careful, almost shy. His pupils are blown, but his smile is tender as he leans closer, bumping his nose against Yuzuru’s chin before looking up at him.

“I guess-” he mutters, reaching to brush Yuzuru bangs “I guess it’s obvious that I want you too.”

Yuzuru gasps, his stomach clenching until he realizes that it’s truly happening, and he chuckles, breathless and nervous, before crawling back on the bed, watching Javi with big eyes and heart threatening to jump out of his chest. 

Javi stands up and for a moment he just looks at Yuzuru, as if taking him in. And then, he takes a deep breath and moves, and Yuzuru opens his arms.

* * *

Javi didn’t know how much we wanted this- him- until now. 

But here he is, his back pressed into the mattress with Yuzuru’s weight on top of him, their lips swollen and meeting clumsily after what feels like hours of kissing and touching and hushed sentences whispered against each other’s skin. 

It all clicks into the right place, suddenly, and it’s so overwhelming, and new and so much, and Javi lets himself get lost in that, in the slick heat of Yuzuru's mouth and his fingers digging into Javi's hips, strong and surprisingly possessive. 

"We will make it work." Yuzuru mumbles against Javi's jaw, the words strong but the tone of his voice almost pleading. 

"We will." Javi ensures, and then bites back a moan when he feels Yuzuru's knee pressing between his legs "Yuzu?" 

"Yes?" Yuzuru mutters, nuzzling against his collarbone, just a hint of hot tongue on Javi's skin, and it's making Javi's head spin, but he still reaches to tug at the collar of Yuzuru's shirt. 

"Take this off." 

They undress each other with clumsy eagerness, sweet laughter filling space between them until it turns to quiet gasps as they are finally bare, skin against skin, all the dreams turning into reality in a blink of an eye.

It's so sudden Javi's heart stutters and clenches, because he wants so much, he feels so much and it catches him off guard, a little bit. But he can see it's a lot for Yuzuru too, he sees it in the way his smile turns tender, with just a hint of disbelief. 

"Have breakfast with me tomorrow?" Javi asks mindlessly, fingers carding through Yuzuru's hair, smooth and silky. 

"Okay." Yuzuru whispers before dropping his forehead against Javi's, his hips pressing down, making them both gasp. 

They have things to talk to, things to confess, things to plan. But for now they just keep on kissing, moving against each until they get lost in the warm fog of pleasure, never letting each other go. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading i hope you enjoyed this mess 🙈


End file.
